The Candidates

Should I decide to give the Astros the heave-ho... to whom would I turn?

Let's look at the candidates:

Not gonna happen

• Chicago Cubs: I love Wrigley Field and Chicago. But I could never cheer for a team that employed Carlos Zambrano, Kerry Wood or Michael Barrett. And Cubs fans are the worst.
• Milwaukee Brewers: I have nothing against the Brew Crew, personally, except they were owned by Bud Selig. I'd rather catch syphilis.
• New York Yankees/Boston Red Sox: I may be disgruntled, but I'm not a front-runner.
• Atlanta Braves: I watched the Braves on WTBS growing up like every other so-called Braves "hardcore," but that never made me think I should love them. It always seems stupid when I hear that rationale.
• LA Dodgers: My dad hated the Dodgers. I don't share that hatred these days, but the only thing he and I had in common were sports, and I wouldn't want to disappoint his memory by becoming a Dodgers fan.
• Oakland A's, Seattle mariners, LA Angels of Anaheim: Should I disavow myself as an Astros fan, I'm not going to new division rivals.
• Toronto Blue jays: Canada? Hell no. I won't even cheer for Canadian hockey teams.
  

Not completely out of the question, but not very likely

• Texas Rangers: Sorry about the last two World Series, and many of my friends live and die with these guys, but I just don't think I ca do it.
• Cincinnati Reds: Too much history.
• New York Mets: My bitterness about 1986 waned years ago, but I still don't like those guys.
• Philadelphia Phillies: Maybe five years ago. Now they're too good to adopt. The only thing they have working for them is a few ex-Astros.
• Chicago White Sox: I still can't believe those guys swept the Astros in 2005.
  

Eh

• St. Louis Cardinals: No LaRussa helps. No Pujols would really help. And I I did like these guys back in the 80s, when they had Terry Pendleton, jack Clark, Ozzie Smith and Vince Coleman.
• San Francisco Giants: Their fans irritated me when I visited this past Summer, but they have a great city, a cool ballpark, and a tradition dating back many decades.
• Minnesota Twins: Growing up I hated these guys, and Kirby Puckett pulled the wool over all of our eyes.
• Baltimore Orioles: I've always had an irrational dislike for Cal Ripken
• Tampa Bay Rays: I couldn't imagine adopting a team that relocates in a few years.
• Miami marlins: zzzzzz... zzzzzzzzzz... zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
• Arizona Diamondbacks: I'm jealous that they did what the Astros couldn't do in 2001, when the entire country had put aside their historical disdain and decided to unite behind the yankees.
  

Maybe

• Washington Nationals: Good young nucleus... could be on the verge of building something.
• Pittsburgh Pirates: I did like watching them in the early 90s.
• Detroit Tigers: I owned a Tigers hat in 8th grade.
• Kansas City Royals: They are to the last five years of the AL what the Astros will be to the next five years of the AL.

Top Contenders

• Colorado Rockies: Great city, great ballpark, and since they started using humidors, they play real baseball.
• San Diego Padres: If Jim Leyritz were dead they would be the odds-on choice.
• Cleveland Indians: If Rick Vaugh and Pedro Cerrano were real ballplayers they might be the odds-on choice.
• Houston Astros: Like a jilted lover, an apology could go a long way to winning me back. Hell, how many times did jackie O overlook JFK's indiscretions? But McCrane is probably too busy counting his money and letting Pam Gardner lead him around by his johnson to care what a lowly fan thinks.
  

Why do I Care?

I didn't own my first Astros hat until I was in 9th grade. At least the first Astros hat that held some meaning.

I decided to stop buying the "cool" hat and I told my dad that I wanted an Astros hat. He bought me the navy blue one with the orange "H" on the white star - the best one they've had, in my opinion, before the new regime (i.e, Drayton McLane) scrapped that uniform for the "futuristic" gold open star.

I wore it with pride, through a few terrible seasons, until sweat and weather and a still-growing cranium left it dingy and tattered. Then the euphoria of a new era led to me to buy into the trendy gold-on-blue, and I tossed aside the cap of Nolan Ryan and Mike Scott, and settled in for Jeff Bagwell and Craig Biggio. (Brief aside: should I ever father a son, I would fight my girlfriend to name him Jeffrey Craig). I waited another few years, through a strike, Terry Collins, and September disappointment before the Astros won that elusive division championship.

In 1986 I was old enough to understand the magnitude of the NCLS against the Mets, but a nine year-old doesn't understand that seasons like that don't happen every year to the Houston Astros. So when the Braves swept the Good Guys in the 1997 NLDS it hurt. When the Padres, and Jim freaking Leyritz, took the 1998 NLDS in four games, it really hurt. And when Walt Weiss, for all intents and purposes, ended the 1999 NLDS in game three with a spear on a Tony Eusebio liner, I couldn't even enjoy the next day's Texas victory over Oklahoma (Texas: my alma mater).

Then came a terrible 2000, a 9/11-affected 2001 (who could get too upset with an NLDS exit that October?), a 2002 September swoon, and the berth of my present-day hatred of the Chicago Cubs, when Chicago won the division by one measley game in the season's last weekend. Damn.

2004. A four-game sweep in Chicago fueled a furious late-season rally to Put Houston back in the postseason. Beating the Braves in the NLDS exorcised demons and days later Jeff Kent led us to the doorstep of the World Series. It didn't didn't happen that year, but a 15-30 start in 2005 didn't hold my boys back from charging back to the playoffs.

Enter the Braves. (Game four: Berkman homers, Ausmus homers... 18 innings... Chris Burke homers!) Exit the Braves. Enter the Cardinals (Game Five: Pujols homers... ugh; Game Six: Oswalt dominates... turn out the lights on Busch Stadium!) Exit the Cardinals. So the World Series didn't go our way... my team made'em work... their best days are ahead of them!

Nope. We - Astros fans - have seen a steady decline since then. But even after Hurricane Ike forced a "home" series against the Cubs (Thanks for standing up for us then, too, Drayton! And Zambrano no-no: joke), Cecil Cooper proved to be the worst manager since... well, ever, and the team suffered through one of the worst seasons in MLB history, I knew our time would still come.

Nope. Drayton decided he had enough, and he bent over one last time for Bud Selig. New owner Jim Crane forgot where his spine was located, and the team I've loved for more than two decades decided history didn't matter.

Welcome to the American League.

It makes my blood boil. Five decades of NL tradition... Jimmy Wynn and Doug Rader, Billy Doran and Billy Hatcher, Bags and Bidge (and the rest of the Killer B's), six division champs, four NLCS appearances, and a heartbreaking World Series... all for naught. Another national League pennant will never happen. The next time Houston makes the playoffs they'll face Boston, or Cleveland, or some other team I couldn't care less about.

It's not a big deal to most, and I'm just a nobody with a closet full of Astros shirts and caps, so maybe it shouldn't matter to me. But it does. And it makes me sick.

Declaring Free Agency

The Astros abandoned me by shunning their fans' desire to remain in the National League, so I am abandoning them. I should say I am open to abandoning them. Since I don't particularly like any of the other 29 Major league teams, I can't positively say I would ever embrace them.

But since Drayton McLane and Jim Crane put their own best interests ahead of what was best for the franchise, I am now going to do the same with my allegiance.

I'm putting myself on the open market. Who needs a new fan?