The Candidates

Should I decide to give the Astros the heave-ho... to whom would I turn?

Let's look at the candidates:

Not gonna happen

• Chicago Cubs: I love Wrigley Field and Chicago. But I could never cheer for a team that employed Carlos Zambrano, Kerry Wood or Michael Barrett. And Cubs fans are the worst.
• Milwaukee Brewers: I have nothing against the Brew Crew, personally, except they were owned by Bud Selig. I'd rather catch syphilis.
• New York Yankees/Boston Red Sox: I may be disgruntled, but I'm not a front-runner.
• Atlanta Braves: I watched the Braves on WTBS growing up like every other so-called Braves "hardcore," but that never made me think I should love them. It always seems stupid when I hear that rationale.
• LA Dodgers: My dad hated the Dodgers. I don't share that hatred these days, but the only thing he and I had in common were sports, and I wouldn't want to disappoint his memory by becoming a Dodgers fan.
• Oakland A's, Seattle mariners, LA Angels of Anaheim: Should I disavow myself as an Astros fan, I'm not going to new division rivals.
• Toronto Blue jays: Canada? Hell no. I won't even cheer for Canadian hockey teams.
  

Not completely out of the question, but not very likely

• Texas Rangers: Sorry about the last two World Series, and many of my friends live and die with these guys, but I just don't think I ca do it.
• Cincinnati Reds: Too much history.
• New York Mets: My bitterness about 1986 waned years ago, but I still don't like those guys.
• Philadelphia Phillies: Maybe five years ago. Now they're too good to adopt. The only thing they have working for them is a few ex-Astros.
• Chicago White Sox: I still can't believe those guys swept the Astros in 2005.
  

Eh

• St. Louis Cardinals: No LaRussa helps. No Pujols would really help. And I I did like these guys back in the 80s, when they had Terry Pendleton, jack Clark, Ozzie Smith and Vince Coleman.
• San Francisco Giants: Their fans irritated me when I visited this past Summer, but they have a great city, a cool ballpark, and a tradition dating back many decades.
• Minnesota Twins: Growing up I hated these guys, and Kirby Puckett pulled the wool over all of our eyes.
• Baltimore Orioles: I've always had an irrational dislike for Cal Ripken
• Tampa Bay Rays: I couldn't imagine adopting a team that relocates in a few years.
• Miami marlins: zzzzzz... zzzzzzzzzz... zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
• Arizona Diamondbacks: I'm jealous that they did what the Astros couldn't do in 2001, when the entire country had put aside their historical disdain and decided to unite behind the yankees.
  

Maybe

• Washington Nationals: Good young nucleus... could be on the verge of building something.
• Pittsburgh Pirates: I did like watching them in the early 90s.
• Detroit Tigers: I owned a Tigers hat in 8th grade.
• Kansas City Royals: They are to the last five years of the AL what the Astros will be to the next five years of the AL.

Top Contenders

• Colorado Rockies: Great city, great ballpark, and since they started using humidors, they play real baseball.
• San Diego Padres: If Jim Leyritz were dead they would be the odds-on choice.
• Cleveland Indians: If Rick Vaugh and Pedro Cerrano were real ballplayers they might be the odds-on choice.
• Houston Astros: Like a jilted lover, an apology could go a long way to winning me back. Hell, how many times did jackie O overlook JFK's indiscretions? But McCrane is probably too busy counting his money and letting Pam Gardner lead him around by his johnson to care what a lowly fan thinks.